Going through a divorce can be a painful and traumatic experience. Once the dust has settled and you've started to rebuild your life, you may think the hardest parts are behind you. However, certain milestones can resurface all those difficult feelings in an instant.

One such milestone that can be particularly tough is the anniversary of your marriage - especially if it's the first one after your separation or divorce. Memories of happier times may come flooding back, bringing a complex mix of sadness, the sense of loss, regret, anger, or pain. You may struggle with how to mark the occasion, if at all.

I remember my first anniversary after divorce. It would have been our 17th. The house was on the market, and we were all still living in the home waiting for it to sell. I just needed to get out of the house that day.

A local business was looking for someone to hand out swag as they took four busloads of clients to the Casino, so I signed up. It was a three-hour bus ride, so I looked out the window and took in the sights - appreciating the autumn colours - and read a book. When we arrived at the Casino, we went to the buffet and ate lots of delicious food.

I had never been to a Casino before. I was mesmerized by the throngs of people and the chiming sounds of the slot machines. I spent the entire day people-watching, reading my book and just relaxing. I never spent a dime. The bus ride home at the end of the day was full of stories, laughter, and sharing cocktail recipes - the perfect distraction from my transitioning life.

If you find yourself facing this first marriage anniversary post-divorce with trepidation, here are some tips for getting through it in a healthy way:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Whether the anniversary stirs up positive or negative emotions, don't try to suppress them. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling - sadness, anger, nostalgia, relief that the marriage is over. Keeping a journal can help process these emotions.



Don’t Dwell on the Past

While it's okay to feel those anniversary feelings, be careful not to obsess over or ruminate on the past for too long. Revisiting your wedding album and rehashing every little detail of what went wrong will only keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward.

Avoid Social Media

Facebook in particular likes to show memories of significant events in your past. Previous anniversary posts can be painful to see. Delete or hide social media posts, photos, or memories connected to your wedding/anniversary that could trigger painful feelings. Or better yet, stay off social media altogether that day.

Mark the Day (or Don't)

Some may find healing in marking the anniversary in some way, even if it's just a quiet personal reflection. Others may prefer to completely ignore it. Do what feels right for you, not what you think you "should" do.

Start a New Tradition

If you do decide to mark the day, consider starting a new tradition to make it your own. Spend the day with the kids, or do an activity you enjoy like going for a hike, taking yourself out for a nice meal, or even volunteering. This helps create new, positive associations with the date.

Lean on Loved Ones

Don't go through this day alone if you can help it. Spend time with supportive friends or family members who can listen without judgment and offer comfort or distraction as needed. Sometimes simply being around others is helpful.

Be Kind to Yourself

Above all, don't beat yourself up if you struggle with this anniversary, especially that first year. Healing from divorce is an ongoing process without a neat timeline. Show yourself compassion, not criticism.

The first marriage anniversary after divorce is seldom easy, but it is possible to get through it with some preparation and self-care. Over time, the sting of the day will likely decrease as you continue rebuilding your new life and new identity. Have patience and focus on the present and future you're creating.